Who I am and who I want to be

WHO I AM AND WHO I WANT TO BE
How did My Personality Affect My Learning

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By bellavita1211
EDSC 4322 Human Development & Instruction

School of Education

University of Texas at Brownsville

Summer 2008

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INTRODUCTION

This is a story about my personality, especially of how it affected me as a child, and how my personality is like today. As a child, I always did well in school. I remember having straight A’s and receiving awards and tickets. I was a happy child and was very motivated to be in school. I remember when I had free time, I would always color things, imagine things and I was always creative.

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After my school work, I would take out my craft supplies, such as my markers, crayons, glue, stickers, etc, and I would always paint and color what was on my mind at that moment. I would constantly draw figures and color them and also draw clothes on them. I would always imagine and come up with different creative ideas. Since I was a child, I have always loved clothes, painting, art, writing in journals, and just imagining what my life would be like in the future. As a child I have always liked school and my performance was excellent.

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The only part of me that teachers and I had trouble with was my participation. I was very shy and scared to talk in front of my friends and state my opinion in class. I was afraid that no one would like what I had to say. I felt embarrassed to talk most of the time. One possibility that I was like this was because when my mom was pregnant with me, she would constantly cry all the time because of many problems she had in her life. My mother once told me that she was depressed and didn’t know what to do at one point. She tells me now that she thought that the reason I was shy and scared was caused by depression when she was pregnant.

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I was afraid to fail. My participation was the only part that affected me in school when I was a child. I would feel embarrassed if someone laughed at me or made a joke about me or my opinions.

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However, I did not recall one teacher ever that taught me on how to overcome the fear, the shyness, or embarrassment. No teacher noticed my creativity or encouraged me to use it, so that I could become a talkative person or just a person who’s not shy all the time. No teacher ever told me that I was a creative student and my thoughts in my journals were very imaginative.

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When I was a child no one told me to break the ice and not be afraid of what I knew and what I could do. Now I know that I have the talent to be creative in whatever I want to do. Now I know that I have always liked creative writing and designing and just be creative in life. The reason why I never intended to be or to do what I liked was because I was afraid. I was afraid that it would be so hard for me and I would fail. I was afraid to do anything that I thought was hard.

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Now that I’m older, I still consider myself a very shy and quiet person, although I also consider myself an open minded and wise person who is responsible, hardworking, well organized and sweet. The part of my personality I would like to change is that I want not to be afraid of what I want to do and what I like to do. If I change this part of my personality I know that I’ll become a happier or better person. Most people around me will feel more comfortable with me, which is what I want them to feel.

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CHAPTER 2
MY PERSONALITY

My personality as a child was that I was a very intimidated about everything, but I was always independent about myself. The problem was that I was afraid of how I was going to do things. I was very shy, but I was also a very sharp child. I was good at home, at school, with friends and with people in general. As a child I lived my life to the fullest most of the time. I don’t remember having problems or thinking about family situations. I always left that for my parents to deal with. I know for a fact that I was always mature for my age. I kind of grew up fast, but I enjoyed every moment of it.

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I also remember that I was a very unique individual and even people thought that I had some kind of problems because I lived in my little world most of the time. I would always be there physically, but not mentally. I don’t know how I reacted to some of this, but I do remember that I enjoyed being by myself. I didn’t see anything wrong about wanting some space and just be alone.

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I, as a child would always cry for everything as well. I would always be the sentimental one, no matter who I was with. I would cry even when my grandma would just step out of the house and go with a neighbor to talk. I was very sentimental that sometimes my family would keep secrets from me, because they didn’t want me to get hurt.

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I remember when my grandma left to Tennessee with my aunt for a couple of months, I couldn’t accept the fact that she had left. My mom would tell me that she left only for a couple of days and I still couldn’t accept that. I thought that I wasn’t going to see her again. Little lies like this made my day a little better, but still hurtful.

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Above all this, I believe that my personality came from both my mom and my dad. But I also believe that the environment around me made me feel the way I was. Where I lived as a child, everyone was very gossipy, what I mean is, everyone talked and made fun about one another. People near my area where I lived were very antisocial. Perhaps three out of ten people would talk to each other. Maybe this also affected me the way I was on my personality. My mom told me that when I was born, I hardly ever cried. I wasn’t those kinds of babies who cried all the time for food or for anything. I was just as quiet as I looked. I believe that it shows why I was as I was when I was a child. I hardly ever nag about eating or trying to sleep.

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My mom also commented me that she thought I was like this because she would cry most of the time during her pregnancy. She said that she had so many problems at work, home with my dad and besides she had two other kids she had to take care of. She told me that it was hard for her sometimes because she had to raise two kids being pregnant and having marriage problems. Sometimes she would just cry all night and wanted to give up, but she never did with the help of god. At some point my mom thought that she would just give in and quit, but somehow she worked things out with my dad and everything was better, sometimes.

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I believe that my personality comes from my dad as well because he’s a very quiet and strict person. He’s not social and either an outgoing person. He’s very independent and likes to be alone. He’s quite a shy person, and also doesn’t really cope with someone that easy.

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My mom is an outgoing person, but also kind of shy who is very sharp and smart about things. She’s also an independent person who is calm and sensitive.
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I also believe that as a child my personality was like this because of the experiences that I went through. I went through one-parent situation for some time. One of my parents was the one that was more focused on me because of the problems that they had and sometimes one of them would always be working. I as a child would always be left with my grandma. She would always take good care of me and I would always follow her everywhere, even with her old friends. I think that is why I got a little mature for my age because I would listen to their conversations and try to understand what they were saying. I would always ask my grandma what they were saying and she would tell me, or so I believe at that moment.

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I do believe that between my mom, my dad, the experiences, and the environment I got my personality. I also believe that I was born that way, and therefore, as a child I was the way I was.

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CHAPTER 3
MY PERSOANLITY &RELATIONSHIP

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My personality didn’t affect my relationship with my peers as much. Sometimes it did because I was extremely shy to say one concern about something. But most of the time, I was always in groups with my friends, so it didn’t matter much.

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The good thing was that all of my friends from school adjust to who I was at that time. I seemed very comfortable and so did they because I wasn’t that shy when I was with them. Anytime we would go somewhere during school, for example to lunch or P.E, we would just chat about everything that we thought was cute. I didn’t feel embarrassed about stuff with my school friends because I felt comfortable with them. Even though I felt comfortable, I wasn’t as liberal either. I was very reserved about my private life and family. I remember that some of my nasty peers asked me about my family and why I never talked about problems that I had, because according to her, everyone had family problems. I remember asking myself what type of problems I have with my family. I never thought about it before because I loved school and all I could think about was what I was going to wear, and when would be the next book fair, etc.

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I went to talk to my mom about the incident about family problems after a couple of days. She told me not to worry and why suddenly I was asking these types of questions. It was very rare to my mom because as a child I was very reserved and didn’t worry about problems at home. I remember telling my mom about the girl that had asked me about my family problems. My mom told me to tell her next time she asks something personal, that what I do in my house or what we as a family talk about is not your concern or business. She told me to be straight forward and clear about it. She told me not to be afraid of kids like them. She also told me that maybe she has family problems and she wants everybody to have them as well. I was just a third grader, and I did understand what my mom was telling me, but still I felt confused.
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Maybe my personality only affected with my peers from school that were nasty little kids. It affected in a way that I never defended myself. I always kept quiet and very defenseless towards other students. I felt that if I would tell them something back, something bad could happen to me. Now that I think about it, I regret it because I wish I would’ve stand up for myself. Sometimes I think that if I would’ve been different as a child, I wouldn’t feel unsure of myself.

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With my teachers I don’t believe that it affected my relationship with them personally. I was always a good student and there was always a good teacher that I could always go to and talk, regardless of how I was feeling. With the grading, it did affect me because I wasn’t a participator most of the time. If I was going to participate in something, I was always chosen. It never came out of my own mouth that I would participate or volunteer. Some teachers were really at it with participation and communication. They would grade us as participants and reward the students that participated.

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When I was in 4th grade, my teacher would always talk about communicating in the real world. I remember having speakers come to our classrooms on Fridays and talk about the real world and the people that we are going to encounter in some point of our lives. The guest speakers were police officers, fire fighters, nurses and even teachers and coaches. These speakers would talk about communication. They would constantly say that it is very important in our lives and that we have to know how to communicate with people in different languages, For example, Spanish and English. They would tell us that it is always better to know at least two different languages. They would also mention that being shy or embarrass will lead you nowhere and that it is just for people who aren’t sure of themselves. As a 4th grader, I would ask myself if they all had an agreement, or is it that all adults think and speak the same.

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CHAPTER 4
MY PERSONALITY & MY LEARNING

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My personality when I was transitioning to Middle School was somewhat different. I was totally a different person when I was in Middle School then Elementary. In elementary, my personality didn’t really affect my learning. I was a super sharp student who loved school.In Middle School, it was a different game. My first year in Middle school something changed about me and it really affected my learning.

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First of all, I was hanging with the wrong crowd and making dumb remarks about other students and teachers. I wanted to fit in with the crowd, so I acted up like them. This affected my learning in school because I would hardly ever go to my classes. I wasn’t learning anything and basically I was failing the majority of my classes. I would also end up in I.S.S., where students were all day due to their bad behavior. My teachers didn’t like me because of how I was, but I was never that disrespectful. I believe this was so because my parents never taught me to be that way. I was the way I was because of my peers that I hanged out with.
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From being a shy sensitive and sharp individual to a bad behavior, bad dressed, and slacker, it definitely changed my learning in school. I hardly ever studied for a test. Somehow I saw school as just a place to hang out with my friends that I had. I would never pass a test and I would never participate in my classes. Other students were afraid of me and I didn’t care at all.

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My teachers were somewhat concern about me, but they didn’t show that much of any interest to talk to me and asked what was bothering me. The principle at that time, called a parent conference because they were concern that I was hanging out with the wrong crowd and following their steps that were leading to nowhere. They were concern because some students knew that I wasn’t the way I was before.
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When the principle called my parents, she told them that I seemed like a nice girl, but the students that I was hanging out with were not helping me at all. I hanged out with girls that were consuming drugs and having boyfriends at a really young age. In other words, they were doing what adults do. I never did what they did, but I made them believe I did, so that I would fit in their crowd and look “Cool” to others.

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It was challenging for me because I didn’t want to change. I didn’t feel good about the trouble that I was causing my family, but it felt good having other students respect me and think that I was cool. It’s a bad thing but these even made me popular.

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I was also called to go to court and talk to some judge with my mom about my behavior. I was going through a difficult stage and I ended up with these judge. He was talking to my mom about my behavior and why students my age acted up.
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My second year in Middle School was different than my first. My behavior was a lot better than the previous one. I did go to my classes and the teachers were better and showed more interest in me.

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I did have the same friends, but I didn’t hang out with them as much because they weren’t in the same team as I was. I was in the intelligent team all of my 3 years in Middle School. I have always been a smart girl, but my personality during Middle School drowned everything and affected my learning. I behaved better and did better on my grades, but sometimes I skipped class and go to other classes or just go home.

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I didn’t like school that much, but I liked going, just to be with my friends. But I remember that I loved going to my English class and read about Romeo & Juliet. I loved the teacher and she made it real interesting. As the semester went on, I cleared myself and started to behave a lot better than my first year. I started to bond more with my teachers of the team and my friends from the team as well. I never noticed that there were a lot of students that looked up to me, but my behavior didn’t help me at all. Suddenly all the teachers were my favorites especially my History teacher who I would always remember. She really made a big difference in my life on my third year in Middle School.

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So far, in my second year in Middle School, my personality affected me just a little portion of it. It affected me only the first month in school. My third year was the best year that I could remember. My personality changed dramatically. I went back to being shy and sensitive. I went back to being the sharp student that I always was. I had pure A’s in all my classes and I was the top student most of the time.

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I was even popular than before. All the students wanted to talk and hang out with me. It was so amazing that it felt really good and I was always smiling. My personality changed and I was doing great with everything. I even joined sports and I was an average athlete. I was an average athlete because I was shy again about performing in front of people.

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I became a popular girl that I even won Homecoming Queen. I was voted to be queen and I outvoted like three other beautiful and popular girls. Wow! It felt good. I can still feel it and I remember smiling all day at the dance when I found out that I was the Queen.

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All of this felt overwhelmed and I was doing great in my classes and I was keeping up with all of my work. I even won the most popular for all the 8th grade class. I learned so much that year that I joined several clubs. I joined the yearbook club, History club, sports-track, soccer and cross-country team. Even after school, I would always stay and help my favorite teacher and she was the same one that I had in my sixth grade year.

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At the end of my Middle School years, I cried. I cried for my teacher and for the school that I was going to miss so much. I couldn’t bear with the fact that I was moving up to High School. As the semester was ending, my team had an award ceremony and I won THE MOST BEAUTIFUL. I was shocked because in my team, there was this girl that was so beautiful and all the guys wanted to be her boyfriend. It was so much fun winning the award.

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Overall, my personality affected me to a certain point, but then everything changed and I did better than before. I learned so much by the end of my 8th grade year.

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CHAPTER 5
DO I LIKE MY PERSONANITY

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I rate my personality like a 7 or 8 out of 10. I don’t have a bad personality, but something bothers me all the time and I just can’t figure out what it is exactly. Everyone has their ups and downs, but I seemed to have more downs. I don’t like my personality when I’m mad, frustrated or when I want to be by myself.

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My family tells me that I have a bad personality or that I need to change my attitude. I agree, to change my attitude sometimes, because I seemed like if I’m mad all the time and I think people don’t want to talk to me. It’s just the way I am. I am a very quiet individual that reserves her feelings most of the time. I tend to express myself very much with facial expressions and sometimes it’s not a good thing.

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I like my personality when I feel that I’m doing a real good deed and when I’m not nagging about something. I like that I love going out and having fun. I like that I love so many things. I don’t like when two people that I love argue about something; it makes me feel so bad and it depresses me. I know that I have a good heart, but sometimes, I have to show myself that I do.

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In my High School years, I was shy as well. I was more afraid than ever. I don’t know why I felt like this, but this was me.

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I did meet a lot of different people, but I suddenly stopped hanging out with my old friends. I met new people and I started to hang out with them and I just forgot about my other friends. I was the typical girl that went to school, learned, said hi to friends and joined sports. I met new people while in sports, but my shyness nobody or anything took that away. I felt embarrassed most of the time. I felt embarrassed every time I went into the cafeteria to get some food. I felt embarrassed that everybody stared at me. I didn’t like the feeling when people were starring, it felt very uncomfortable.

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When I joined sports, I was pretty good at it, but I was afraid to try harder. I don’t know why but I was afraid. I felt that if I tried harder I would not make it. I have no idea why, but I just felt this way.

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Every time I joined something, I was afraid to fail. For example, every time there was a soccer game, the coach never played me because I didn’t give my all in the field. I never practiced hard like my other team mates because I was embarrassed that if I tried harder, I wouldn’t succeed. I was so shy that I couldn’t do things right. Another example was when I joined the Estudiantina. I learned how to play the guitar, I was passionate about it, but I wasn’t really good at it. I know I liked to play the guitar and I know I had the ability to learn more, but my personality didn’t help me at all. Most of the time I was embarrassed about everything.

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I didn’t like my personality when I was in High School as much because I was never super good at something. I never tried harder.

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I love to dance and in my High School they had the best team ever. Every time there were tryouts, I wanted to try out, but my shyness and embarrassment pushed me back. I remember hating that, and I just gave up.

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I remember at some point that I hated myself and wanted to be someone else. I felt this way because I wasn’t doing what all other girls were doing; being good at something and trying out for something different.

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CHAPTER 6
WHAT I WOULD LIKE TO CHANGE

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For many reasons I would like to change some part of my personality because it doesn’t help me on many things. One for example, is when I was in High School. I wanted to join a club, but I was scared of not making it and afraid that people were going to laugh at me.

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Now that I’ am older, I still want to change a part of me that I developed during the years and a part that has always been in me since I was a kid.

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I would like to change the way that I’m shy and embarrassed to do something most of the time. I am embarrassed of speaking in front of a crowd that I don’t even know and talk about random topics.

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I also want to change the way that I developed during the years. I want to stop complaining all the time. I usually complain for anything that bothers me. I complain for situations that I’m in that I don’t like or stuff that I just hate. For example, I complain for dirty dishes that are in my house sometimes or I’ll complain about something that I don’t have and that I need it so badly. I definitely want to change this because it affects my personality and I don’t like it. There are so many things out there that I just don’t agree with and I don’t want to let it get to me and complain about it.

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There have been a few people that have said to me that I look like if I’m mad, and I’m not. It’s just the way that I am. I believe that they think of me this way because of my movements or my gestures.

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I tend to get frustrated and annoyed and I don’t realize that I’m making gestures. This about me I do not like, because it frustrates me that people think I am mad or UN friendly. I don’t want nor like to people to think that I’ am an unfriendly or that I am the type of person no one can trust.

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I want to change this about me because I feel that I’ m not doing the right thing or being the right person. Even though I know that I am not a bad person nor ‘am I not the person no one can trust. I just want people to know that I can be that person and that I can be happy about everything. Well, I want to show myself that I can be happy about anything even though I don’t agree with something. I want to show myself that I can smile all the time, even through the hard times and sad times as well.

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I want to learn to appreciate everything that I have. I want to see that everything happens for a reason. I know that it does happen for a reason, I just block that from my mind sometimes, because I don’t agree with what I have or what has happen, or just simply with everything. I know that I have a lot to give and I want to make sure that I do.

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I also need to cope with anyone that comes my way and just stop thinking what they might think or say about me.

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I also want to change some part of my personality that I hate. I just don’t like that I am embarrassed and shy to do something. It really affects me because it stops me from reaching something new and meeting someone different. It’s really hard for me to start something new because I think about what others might think or what they might feel. It’s not all the time, but sometimes it is and it affects me.

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I would like to be outspoken and state my opinion without feeling embarrassed. I would also like to try out new stuff without feeling afraid. I wan to do this because I know I would feel a lot better. I want to change some parts of my personality because I want to feel better and I don’t want to be the way I hate being, which is being shy and complaining all the time.

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CHAPTER 7
IS CERTAIN PERSONALITY BETTER THAN OTHERS IN LEARNING?

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I don’t consider certain personality better than others because everyone is different. Everyone is different, therefore everyone learns differently. People have different personalities, they learn differently, but it does not mean that they have better personalities than others in learning.

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I have always been a quiet and shy person, but it didn’t stop me from learning better than others that were more out spoken and outgoing. We all learned differently, and grasp things in a different way, due to our personalities that are distinct from others.

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People have different styles, and learning, and they learn in different forms. For example, a very outgoing person who is constantly asking questions does not mean that she will learn better because of her participation. Compare to a quiet person who doesn’t ask questions and is lost in the lesson; she might learn the lesson faster than the other one. I believe that it all depends in the person of how she/he learns better.

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Many people believe that if you are more out spoken, you tend to grasp things better and learn better due to the talking and asking questions. This makes people think that they are asking questions and they are getting the information that they need.

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If someone has a personality that helps him/her learn faster, well I believe that they are just very hardworking people that really want to learn. There could be lazy people that are really smart, but they just don’t want to learn. I believe that whoever wants to learn will learn, regardless of their personalities, etc.

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I believe that Understanding their own personality type can help students understand and, manage their studies more wisely, develop sounder relationships, and plan majors and careers more realistically. I don’t believe that students have to be a certain way for them to feel better and be smarter than others. On the other hand, I do believe that shyness causes shy people to miss out on opportunities. I believe in this because it happened to me as I was growing up and it happens to me now. I missed out on opportunities like pursuing my career on fashion and interior designing. I have always loved fashion and decorating the interiors, but I never tried to challenge myself. When I was younger, I wanted to attend NYU because I knew that they had more to choose regarding the careers. I never applied because it was easier for me to apply here at the University of Brownsville.

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Now as I’m finishing my BA. I deeply want to teach at the state of California, but I’m scared to go. I want and need someone who can motivate me and most importantly, I want to motivate myself that I can do it. I don’t want to regret it and I don’t want to miss out on opportunities that I can have, because I’m still young and I want to live life to the fullest.

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To conclude, this personality of mine does not make me less of a learner. I learn things slowly and by the end of it, it is a positive conclusion. What I’m trying to say is that everyone is different and everyone learns differently, regardless of their personality.