Intimacy: Misplace Stage or Societal Flaw?

By Melissa Yonelunas
College of Education
Long Island University, C. W. Post
February, 2011

I would like to begin by saying that I loved the presentation on Chinese New Year. It brought a lot of excitement and fun to the class, and it was amazing to learn about the holiday from someone who celebrates it first hand.

During our discussion of Erikson’s Identity development, one of the questions that came up was whether intimacy really belongs in the stage for 18-22 year olds, or if it should come earlier. I do agree that as the years go by, individuals begin dating earlier and earlier, however, I do not believe that Erikson was wrong in assigning his stages. What I think, is that society and the media has influenced individuals to reach this unattainable ideal. This ideal does not only dictate how one should dress, how they should act, and who they should hang out with, but it also promotes as one of its expectations the fear of having an intimate relationship. Also, in the news surrounding celebrities that young adults now look up to, they constantly see glimpses of short-lived romances, tragic break-ups, and sex as an important part of life. It is because of these influences that I believe the dating age has greatly decreased.

While people do tend to start dating earlier and scary enough experimenting with sex earlier, I do not think that this proves Erikson to be wrong in his theory. The intimacy stage as defined by Erikson is one in which individuals form close intimate relationships with another person. These children (12-16 years old) may be “dating” earlier, but they are not forming deep, close bonds with the people they are seeing. A boyfriend/girlfriend relationship in the earlier years can last anywhere from a few weeks to only a few hours. It seems to be more like a status title to them than a serious attempt at being connected to and sharing themselves with another person. Another reason that these relationships do not last long, is because of the stage of Identity vs. Role confusion that these adolescents are going through at this point in their lives. They are still trying to figure out who they are. Their identity can change on a day to day basis, hence the short-lived relationships. They can not form a solid bond with someone until they first figure out who they themselves are.

If we had to argue whether this dating phenomena in middle schools is a result of societal flaw or of Erikson’s error in theory, I would have to support the fact that society and its expectations are to blame for this dating epidemic.