College of Education
Long Island University, C. W. Post
February 8, 2011
Looking at the stages of Marcia’s theory of identity development really got me thinking in a psychological way about the people that are close to me as I tried to categorize all of them into their current stage. I realized that the hardest person to categorize would be myself, so I have decided to reflect on what stage of development I see myself in.
While I can be emotional sometimes (a characteristic of diffusion), I would have to put myself in the stage of moratorium because, as it suggests, I know that I don’t know where I am going and I care. While I am not really jumping all over the place in regards to what career I want to pursue, I am not one-hundred percent sure of who I will be yet. I know myself, my personality, and who I want to be pretty well, but other things still lay in limbo. I have always known that I wanted to pursue a career that involved reading and writing, two of my favorite hobbies. I started Post as an English literature major, and then thought about switching to journalism or even editing. Eventually, I decided to choose the course of an English educator because I have always seen myself working with kids. My problem remains the question of whether or not I am capable of teaching. I have the passion and the knowledge, but I am not always comfortable in front of people. While I have noticed that I gain more and more confidence as I give more presentations, I still don’t know how I will be in front of a class everyday. I have taught mini lessons, and even a full hour lesson in my classes at Post and, although I was nervous each time, I totally loved the thrill of being in front of the class and sharing my knowledge with them. It is for this reason that I have come to the conclusion that I should be very happy in front of my own class everyday.
What scares me now is student teaching, which I will be participating in next semester. I have not yet fostered enough confidence to be both in front of a class of students, as well as another experienced teacher. Funny enough, it is not the students that worry me, but this other teacher. I feel like I will have to live up to his/her standards in everyway, and I don’t want to disappoint or fail. I know that the co-operating teacher is there to help and that I will get through it okay, but until I actually experience it, I think I will be nervous about the process.
While I feel mostly comfortable with my choice of career (which will also allow me to pursue writing on the side), I do not know if I feel completely comfortable with who I am. I love who I am and what I value, but I still lack the confidence and personal sense of control of my own life. I feel as though I am stuck in this stage where I don’t know if I can be completely independent. I want to think for myself and make my own choices, but at the same time I can’t because I always question whether my parents will approve of my actions. I often find myself making decisions with my parents expectations in mind so as not to disappoint them. While the choices I want to make are not bad, I still have this fear of disappointing someone and this sometimes holds me back.
It is because of these reasons that I find myself in moratorium rather than achieved identity. While I feel as though I am close to achieving my identity, I still have a few things to work out before I can truly say that “I know what I know.”
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